Confession - I'm Falling Apart

I have a confession to make. And it’s not easy. I have spent so much time trying to convince everyone, including myself, that everything is fine – and sometimes even great – with me, that to admit any differently is extremely difficult. I call it letting people behind the curtain, as a tribute to the Great and Powerful Oz. “Pay no attention to that (wo)man behind the curtain!” What I want to say up front is that this was never an intentional deception on my part. There is nothing I value more than being real and being honest. But when you don’t even realize you’re deceiving yourself, it is useless recognizing that you’re deceiving others. You use excuses such as “not wanting to burden others with your problems”, you convince yourself that “this too shall pass”, or you want so badly for things to be okay – especially with a super-achiever personality like mine – that you talk yourself into believing that you can will yourself better. So, you see, what I was unable to admit to myself I was certainly unable to admit to anyone else.

Here’s the truth. The truth is that for the past few weeks, and possibly even longer than that, I’ve been unexplainably falling apart mentally and emotionally. It happened gradually. I honestly can’t even say exactly when it began. But I will explain where I am now. I have no ability focus (except on the television). My mind is all over the place so much so that I can’t seem to get anything done. Nothing has any meaning for me (except my daughter). This is particularly disturbing because I also LOVE my work. But for the last few weeks I have been unable to dedicate any meaningful time or creativity to it because, in my own head, I’m saying “why bother” or “what does it matter” (hence the reason there’s been no eZine). I have no interest in socializing with anyone. I barely return a call. And I’m listless. I don’t feel particularly unenergetic. I just can’t seem to focus my energy which, in turns, exhausts me. I want to be excited because I can see clearly I have a lot to be excited about, I just can’t get there, and that depresses me.

Now, you may be thinking it sounds like depression. And it very well could be. I won’t rule it out because I know I’m susceptible. About ten years ago I suffered from severe depression. And even though it subsided after I had my daughter, I still experience infrequent periods of mild depression. It usually takes a few days for “the fog” to lift – but it always lifts. Also, I have ADD (which was actually diagnosed by my doctor, although I’m in denial about it so I have refused medication – to my own detriment, I’m sure). I mention this because I’m used to having to go to extreme measures to be able to sit down and concentrate. This time, though, things are different. The fog seems to be intensifying and my usual ability to implement “mind over matter” is failing me. This past week, while I was in San Francisco, I finally realized I was in trouble. And this morning, after reading two hours of inane articles on the Internet (with a whole host of work on my to-do list), I realized I needed to do something about it.

So, I researched peri-menopause & ADD, and peri-menopause & mental health combinations and found some interesting stuff. I won’t go into details of the research – it’s easy enough for you to look it up yourself. But what I will say is that what I saw on those pages was everything I was going through. I was immediately relieved to know I wasn’t going crazy. But I was a little depressed to have to admit that I was aging. I still look young, feel young and, at times, act young, so getting old is something that is difficult for me to wrap my mind around. But the truth is, as much as I’d like to deny it, my body is changing… rapidly, so it seems. And if the body is changing then I need to change, as well. And the first thing I have to change is my own mind. I have to stop denying that I’m struggling. I have to stop acting like everything is okay. I have to stop punishing myself because I feel less than super, less than achieving, and less than amazing. I have to stop allowing myself to think this is okay. And I have to get help.

I want to say here that I appreciate you reading along regarding my journey. But what this article is really about is the inability for some of us to admit when we’re falling apart. We make excuses, we put on a happy face for our friends and family, and we spout bible verses believing that God will avenge what ails us if we pray enough. We engage in positive self-talk, and read self-help books and still nothing changes – or it doesn’t change enough. We know there is better health, a healthier mental and emotional state, the fulfillment of our dreams, and the ability to create an amazing life for ourselves out there waiting for us, but we can’t seem to get there. And all the while we continue to suffer. Well, I’m begging you to stop. Suffering does not have to be a way of life. It’s just not necessary. There is no reward for false bravado. You don’t have to be superwoman – or superman. It is okay to admit something is not right. It is okay to be less-than-perfect. And it is okay to fall apart. Just don’t stay that way.

Your own falling apart may have been gradual. So you may not even be aware that you’ve slipped into a depression, or that there is really something wrong. You may have excused it away by telling yourself that your life has been so rough, or stressful, that it’s normal to feel this way. You may have suffered some losses that have convinced you that your inability to be excited about life, to get up and work toward your dreams, is to be expected; except that the depressive mood and lack of motivation never ends. It’s like you spend every day looking out the window at the other children happily playing on the street. It seems so easy – just get up and go outside and play. But as much as you’d like to join them, for some reason you can’t seem to get out of your chair. Day after day after day. Soon disappointment and frustration set in because you know you should be able to do it, then depression sets in because you can’t. And you wonder where did the you that was confident, motivated, and excited about life go?

Whatever you need to do to get yourself together, do it. And start right now. Every moment that passes is gone for good. And every moment you put off getting help is a moment of your wonderful life wasted. Do you need to research and come up with a plan? Do you need a therapist? Do you need to change your lifestyle? Do you need medication? Do you need to join a group? God does answer prayer. It’s just that sometimes he answers it through the resources around us. But it’s up to us to use them. I spent too much time being prideful, hiding, and denying there something was wrong. I have been unable to push out a newsletter to you for three months due to my falling apart. And the only thing I could write about for October with any passion is this – the truth. As much as I feared letting you behind the curtain, being able to tell you the truth is freedom. So if there is something going on with you, if you are suffering in silence, free yourself so you can start enjoying your life. It does not have to be this way.

In case you’re wondering, I do have a plan for myself. After researching, my first step is to alter my diet in a more focused and purposeful way. I eat pretty healthily now. But there are some specific foods, and food combinations, that are conducive to lessening the severity of my symptoms – my perimenopausal, ADD, depressive symptoms (if you’re interested drop me an e-mail and I’ll forward it to you). I have already tearfully admitted my breakdown to my husband and asked for his support. I know I’m going to need it. His conclusion was that we could all benefit from the dietary changes and that, in support of me, we should do it as a family. I want to make sure to mention how amazing he has been since I have not been myself, because it could not have been easy for him. I’ve been a bear. The next step is medication, if necessary. Although I have denied myself medication up until now, I have always been a proponent of it for those who needed it. I had just convinced myself that I didn’t need it. But that doesn’t mean I really didn’t need it. That’s a good plan for me. We’ll see how that goes. Now what’s yours?