The Best Relationship of Your Life

In celebration of Valentine’s Day – which we use to celebrate our relationships, and in thinking about the number of divorces that seem to be taking place over the past few months, I want to talk about how you can have the absolute best relationship of your entire life. It’s no secret that now, more than ever, good healthy relationships seem to be a mystery, and the quest for one ever-elusive. Some of you are in relationships that you wish were better. Some of you are not in relationships and want to be. So I figure this is as good a topic as any with which to kick off February. So here it is: the secret to having the best relationship of your entire life is to start having the best relationship of your entire life… with yourself.

In celebration of Valentine’s Day – which we use to celebrate our relationships, and in thinking about the number of divorces that seem to be taking place over the past few months, I want to talk about how you can have the absolute best relationship of your entire life. It’s no secret that now, more than ever, good healthy relationships seem to be a mystery, and the quest for one ever-elusive. Some of you are in relationships that you wish were better. Some of you are not in relationships and want to be. So I figure this is as good a topic as any with which to kick off February. So here it is: the secret to having the best relationship of your entire life is to start having the best relationship of your entire life… with yourself. Yeah, I know you thought it would be more exciting. But most common sense stuff isn’t very exciting. But it is powerful!

It took me a really long time to figure this out (although, admittedly, all of that time was not bad). I spent the majority of my life, into my early 30s, being attracted to men for the wrong reason. Notice that I didn’t say I was attracted to the wrong men. This is the common misperception, that we are attracted to the wrong men – that we chose the wrong guy. But that is not the truth (and I’ll explain why later). The truth is that the men you choose are perfect just the way they are – just as you are. But we are attracted to and choose those men that seem “wrong” for us for the wrong reasons (or the right reasons, depending on how you look at it). And that reason is because we don’t have an amazing relationship with ourselves.

When we don’t have an amazing relationship with ourselves, when we aren’t willing to work just as hard, or harder, at having a great relationship with ourselves as we are willing to work at having a relationship with someone else, then the relationship is bound to be unbalanced, and it’s bound to fail (even though the definition of failure is subjective). I would define failure is having a relationship that doesn’t bring out the best in you. If you are not better with your partner than you are alone, then I would define that as failure. If you have “lost yourself” in a relationship, been persuaded to settle or give up on your dreams in order to have that relationship, then I would classify that relationship as a failure. If you are in a relationship in which you are not worshipped, adored, and honored for your wonderfulness, I would consider that relationship a failure. If you are in a relationship with someone who has ceased to “hold up their end of the deal” (whatever it was), without prior discussion, I would classify that relationship as a failure. And, of course, I would definitely classify any relationship that includes abuse of any type, physical, emotional, or spiritual, as a failure.

So what exactly does it mean to have a great relationship with yourself? It means that you find yourself as wonderful, and as beautiful, and as smart, and as amazing, and as capable, and as exciting, and as worthy as you want someone else to find you. And whatever you hope that someone will do for you, or with you, you are willing to do for, and with, yourself. For instance, I used to be attracted to guys who had exciting lives – who were adventurous. I wanted them to take me places, show me the world, and add some excitement to my life. Now, I cannot say that I found myself boring (although maybe I did). But I will admit that I must have felt, somewhere inside of me, that I was incapable (or afraid) of creating the type of excitement for my own life that I hoped some man would create for me. Additionally, I know now that when we look for a partner to provide something for us that we have not committed to providing for ourselves, we are attempting to fill a hole in ourselves.

One of the benefits of relationships is to find someone that thinks we’re wonderful, and who reflects back to us – in different ways – our wonderfulness. When we have a hole we’re trying to fill, like trying to find someone to love us because we don’t love ourselves, or trying to find someone to be in control and take care of us because we doubt our ability to take charge of our lives and create what we want, or trying to find someone to add excitement to our lives because we doubt we can create an exciting enough life for ourselves, we will choose men for the wrong reasons. And the trait that attracted us to them in the first place will end up either not be enough to cover up traits that aren’t so great, or sometimes it ends up being the very trait that destroys the relationship. The guy who loves you becomes the obsessed guy. The take charge guy becomes the controlling guy. And the exciting guy becomes the commitment-phobic wanderer. We call them the “wrong guy” and we go back to the drawing board (unfortunately, with the same choosing mechanism), but really it was the “wrong choice” that came from the wrong choosing mechanism that brought that person into our lives.

This is what I mean by there are no “wrong guys”, just “wrong choices”. The partners that come into our lives come into our lives because of our choices. It doesn’t matter who approaches who, or who initiates the relationship, they arrive on your doorstep, per se, because you are choosing them. And when the choosing mechanism is off, the choice will be off. Just like if you are sick and you can’t smell right, everything smells off. Same thing when choosing a partner. The exciting thing is, unlike most multiple choice tests, in this case the answer is included in the wrong choice. This is what makes the partners that come into your life perfect. And what I mean by this is, the people that keep coming into your life – that you declare are wrong – hold the key to your getting on the path to making good choices for yourself in a partner. The wrong choices are the perfect choices to teach you what you need to know in order to make great choices. All you need to do is ask yourself what attracted you to the “wrong choice”. And answer honestly. Again, honest answers are not easy. It’s not easy to say, “I don’t trust that anyone will ever really love me like he does.” Or, “I don’t trust that I can provide for myself the way he can.” Once you can admit the truth of how the “wrong choice” arrived in your life, you are free to begin healing yourself.

And how does the healing begin? Well, it’s going to sound a lot easier than it sometimes is, but once you realize what you’re searching for, you can begin to provide it for yourself. You can learn to love yourself more than anyone else could ever love you, you can learn provide for yourself, and you can learn to bring excitement into your own life. No more searching for someone to fill your holes. When you’re in a great relationship with yourself, you don’t need a relationship or marriage. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a relationship or marriage, I’m just saying you won’t need it. You won’t be looking for anyone to provide you with anything – or to fill a hole, because whatever hole there is, you will have already figured a way to fill it yourself. Knowing that you don’t have to search out, or have to stay with, anyone who will not treat you like the amazing being you are is the most powerful feeling you can have. So, if you want to have an amazing relationship – whether you are already in a relationship or you are still searching for a relationship, then you first need to figure out what you need to do to have a great relationship with yourself. And remember, the most important relationship you will ever have is the one you have with yourself.